The time I got lucky in Kentucky!

Hey everyone! It's Mike here spinning another yarn about some of my incredible life stories. You know, it's not everyday you meet someone with as many stories as I have. You should be happy. Fuck that Goodburger guy. That snotty cat's got nothing on me. This time at Mike's Storytime Funland, I'm gonna tell a tale about the time I got lucky...in Kentucky (pronounced Can-Tuck-EE)!
It all started on a sunny Saturday when I was relaxing in Pittsburgh. Suddenly, my friend Dave asked "What day is it?" I said, April 13th. Dave jumped up. "Holy shit, we're late!" I had no idea what Dave was talking about, but with the heroin really kicking in I went with it. A few minutes later, we were in his truck driving down the road, with me vomiting out the window.
After passing through a few states, the H wore off and I was cognizant enough to ask Dave "Where are we going?" He looked at me with steel eyes and said "The Porcupine Derby." I shivered in my converse.
The Porcupine Derby is the most intense underground sporting event in the United States, possibly the world. Outlawed in 1927 because of massive brutality, the event is held in an undisclosed location far beneath the streets of Lexington, KY. It's like the Kentucky Derby, but a round robin tournament where winners of separate races must face off against each other in battle to the death cage matches. Have you ever seen a porcupine cry blood? It's a soul-shattering experience.
Dave had to be at The Porcupine Derby because he owed $500 to Fat Estevez, a man with a taste for blood and a mean temper. We planned to fix the Derby by injecting all but one of the Porcupines with my grade-A heroin, then betting on the Porcupine who has not been injected to earn all of Fat Estevez's money back.
I got into the Porcupine holding area by pretending to be a porcupine doctor. You see, porcupine doctors are specially trained to hold these creatures, as their spines can kill a small child. I injected every porcupine except for "Daddy's Little Bastard" and quickly went to the bathroom to change clothes, and have a little H for me, ya know? This is where I would get lucky.
As I sat on a stall in the rundown bathroom, I noticed a large hole in the side of my stall with an arrow pointing to it: Insert here. "A glory hole!?" I thought, unable to contain my enthusiasm. Well, it didn't take too long for me to pull out Mr. Happy and stick it in there. The next thing I felt was a rough sensation on my member. It was a tongue, but very rough, and it seemed that my weenis could not fit into whoever was on the other side of the stall's mouth. "Fuck this," I said, and dropped trow, placing my backside up against the hole for a little salad tossing action. That's when the pain started.
It seems that the roughness of this person's tongue did not feel better against my newly bleached asshole. In fact, it was much, much worse. I whipped around and pulled my pants up. "Who the fuck is in there?" I yelled, kicking down the stall door of whoever had been licking my ass. "GOODBURGER?! Is that YOU?!" I couldn't believe it. Sure enough, it was goodburger, sitting on the stall and laughing his cat ass off . I was so pissed. But that fat cat was faster than he looked. He ran off, leaving me hanging.
I exited the men's room and found Dave counting the money he had won using our little Heroin trick. Suddenly, all the cats who had ran the race on H started frothing in the mouth and meowing in a fashion words could never describe. It still haunts my dreams. Dave had already paid off Estevez, so we got the hell out of there, jumped in his car, and sped off.
I was pissed. I needed more H to get through the drive and I was all out! It was going to be a bad trip. No sooner had I complained about this to Dave then who should rear his head in the back seat but...Goodburger! "You guys want to get fucked up?" he asked. Hell yeah! So we shot up and drove back to Pittsburgh. It took 20 hours, but it was worth it. So next time you're in Lexington, don't go to the Porcupine derby because a cat could lick your asshole. Until next time, stay classy guys!

-Mike